Happy Friday Everybody!! I hope you all had an acceptable work week… Like usual, mine was highly… diverse. Yes, I think diverse is a good description. Some might say… crazy? No, I don’t think it qualifies as “Crazy”… I think diverse leaves more to the imagination.
Anyway, this week’s Friday Funny is a long one but, I find it to be highly instructive. This arrived on my door step via the glorious medium of e-mail and I thought everyone needed the wisdom that this list imparts.
So, for your approval:
101 Ways To Annoy People
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
- Speak only in a “robot” voice.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Sniffle incessantly.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Name your dog “Dog.”
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
- Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
- Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
- Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
- Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
- Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
- Drum on every available surface.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Set alarms for random times.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
- Drive half a block.
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
- Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
© 2009, Robert Owen. All rights reserved.
